BLOG: 6's & 7'S
![]() I avoid Walmart like the clap. The attraction of buying cheap crap that I don't need wore off about the same time my pet rock died. But once a week, I have to make an appearance, because even I can't resist the 3 cents a can I save on dog food. I often wonder if the clusterfuckory of checking out is even worth it. Fifty customers, their carts overloaded with enough junk to save the economy of a small nation, vying for two checkout lanes. But lately I've discovered a reason to enjoy the experience: disgruntled employees. A few weeks ago, Honey Badger was my checkout clerk. I looked at my two dozen cans of dog food and asked, "Do you have to ring them all up separately?" "Oh, yeah. Inventory, you know. For lack of a better word, they're Nazis." I sorted my cans on the counter by flavor. "Well, I guess it wouldn't make sense to actually create a few inventory jobs." "Oh, no. They'd much rather hire more of us out here to deal with all the customers and their attitudes. I can smile and be nice all day long and nobody cares. Let's face it, no one comes to Walmart for the customer service," she said as she flung my cans haphazardly toward a bag. "I guess not." I paid her and thanked her for being so entertaining. She shrugged, rolled her eyes and said, "Whatever." Honey Badger don't give a shit. Last week, my check out clerk was Chatty Cathy. Not disgruntled, mind you, but annoying, just the same. "Oh, Secret deodorant. A lot of people use this. Oh, dog food, you must have a dog. Oh, Twinkies! I used to eat these all the time!" No shit, I have a dog, and do you sniff pits randomly to determine anti-perspirant choices? As for the Twinkies, by looking at your ass I'd say you still eat them all the time, fried and by the cartload. I am tempted to put a box of Magnum condoms, a tube of Anal Ease and an industrial size can of Crisco in my cart just to see what Chatty Cathy would say. Tonight I got the Bitch-That-Can't-Be-Pleased. "It's raining outside," she said through gritted teeth. "Really? That's awesome!" Did I mention we live in a desert? Getting even a drop of rain is like, well, getting rain in the desert. "Well, it BETTER not be raining when I leave here at 11. If I get wet, I swear I'm going to lose it!" Trust me, Elmira, you aren't going to melt, and unless they are having a wet T-shirt contest in the parking lot, no-one is going to care if you lose it. Geez, buy a bra, for Christ's sake. Cathy over there can surely suggest one for you or at least tell you what everyone else is buying. "And I've been here for TEN HOURS today!" I pulled out my compact and looked in the mirror. No, I did not have my fake 'I-give-a-shit' look on my face. Just my usual 'why-the-fuck-are-you-talking-to-me' look that everyone seems to ignore. I noticed a wedding ring on her finger and quietly said a prayer for her husband. I walked outside to a raging thunderstorm. Instead of rushing to my car, I stopped, lifted my face to the sky and let out a deep sigh. Another week before I have to hear those three little words that make me smile and cringe at the same time. Welcome to Walmart.
18 Comments
8/26/2012 08:38:56 pm
If I was drinking milk, I'd have laughed hard enough for it to squirt out my nose.
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KSG
8/26/2012 10:35:54 pm
It's a colorful place.
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Candi Murphy
8/26/2012 11:02:15 pm
I live in this town where going to the Walmart is the only entertainment. Especially since the only movie theatre closed about five years ago.
Krista
8/26/2012 11:21:33 pm
I'm with you... 100%. Some days it's worth the trip, but I have to be feeling strong to face it. Last week I got my list together and drove into the Walmart parking lot. After driving around for a few minutes looking for a space, and seeing a sample of my fellow shoppers-to-be, I said to myself, "I just can't do this today." I drove a tenth of a mile to Target and spent the extra few bucks gladly.
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KSG
8/26/2012 11:29:34 pm
I like to go in the middle of the night. Stranger characters but not as many.
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Ryan Qualls
8/26/2012 11:46:25 pm
When I retire I want to work at Wal-Mart just so I can be a disgruntled employee working at the door. With a smile on my face and a song in my heart my motto will be "Welcome to Wal-Mart! Get your shit and get out!"
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KSG
8/26/2012 11:52:47 pm
I would come every day just to annoy you. :)
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8/27/2012 04:15:44 am
I actually had an old guy (greeter at Walmart) say to me, "Welcome to Walmart, get your crap and get out" I couldn't believe my ears - but it was too funny to complain!
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Tony S
8/27/2012 02:40:12 am
I would rather take a beating than go to Wal Mart.
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KSG
8/27/2012 03:48:47 am
That can be arranged.
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jenifer badamo
8/27/2012 01:53:18 pm
You are so funny, Kelly!! This is a perfect description of Walmart--or Kmart, Target, Toy R Us, Marshalls, etc. These are all stores I would avoid like the plague if it was up to me, but my nieces LOVE them. You know why? They are the queens of "buying cheap crap," as you called it. The description of all the employees was hysterical and point on! I'm surprised you didn't mention the words that make my blood pressure rise when I'm on the check out line: "Can I have a price check or manager?" Holy shit!! I always seem to pick that friggin line!! Love ya...keep em coming!
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KSG
8/27/2012 06:15:59 pm
Thanks, Jen. I like when they just say "Do you remember how much this was marked?" I always say, "Oh, I think it was a dollar."
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KSG
8/28/2012 12:18:30 am
I don't know if they sell anal ease or not, but I would assume they have a Walmart equivalent. Maybe Butt Balm?
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KSG
8/28/2012 02:21:01 am
Thanks, Beth. I will have to try to top this one, I guess.
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8/28/2012 09:44:24 pm
I look forward to the day when I'm a Walmart greeter ... always one to burn bridges with jobs I didn't like in the past (one benefit of being a criminal back in the day), I can stand in the Walmart door and say things like: "The fuck you lookin' at?" "Yeah, I'm fat, get over it." "You want a smile, drop a fifty in my hand you cheap fuck." "You're gonna report me? Better buy some tires on your way out." Seriously, what are they gonna do, fire me?
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KSG
8/28/2012 11:11:25 pm
Oh, Charlie! That is funny! I can't wait, I will come to your Walmart everyday.
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