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Kelly Stone Gamble

BLOG: 6's & 7'S

This One's For You, Abercrombie & Fitch

5/10/2013

14 Comments

 
PictureBetter looking than MJ
In my never dying quest to be worthy of Abercrombie and Fitch, I see that it is time to diet again. Apparently, my groovy coolness and ability to actually pay for the over-priced crap does not outweigh my recent birthday and my extra twenty (did I say 20? HA!) pounds.

And while I'm at it, I might as well go for golden. I mean, that's what makes a cool kid cool, right? I want to be the next face of Abercrombie and Fitch. Of course, it would have to be one of the ads where I'm being groped by some loser that can't afford a shirt and forgot how to pull his pants up, because the "Blondes Don't Pay Cover" and "Blame It On My Blue Eyes" campaigns are just too Aryan nation for me.

As someone who has been overweight since birth and has been on a diet since I was five years old, I'm pretty well versed in all the ways I'm supposed to act to insure me the next spot on an A&F ad. Can I do it? Probably not, because as anyone who has never suffered with chronic obesity will tell you, us fat women are a lazy bunch. But somewhere in between my working sixty hours a week, running three times a week, writing a book and managing a house, I'm going to get off my fat ass and put on my WWMJD (What Would Mike Jeffries Do) cheap rubber bracelet and try it again. My drug of choice this time around: Alli.

First, why would I need a drug, right? Just be more active and quit stuffing your face, that's the key. Well, somewhere between learning to walk and starting grade school, my body decided that I should do twice as much as everyone else, and eat half as much, just to maintain an overweight status. Pfft. I've already been doing that for almost fifty years.  Of course, birthing children that would fall into Jeffries category of an ideal customer didn't help much either, but that's a moot point since I've told them they will be disinherited if I catch them in an "A&F" shirt.

Again, why Alli? The side effects, silly! Who can resist anal leakage? Oily, orange colored stools, an inability to control bowel movements, gas with discharge and of course, rectal pain? It's all for beauty, right? So who cares if my ass hurts and I crap orange slime every time I fart? It's all for the betterment of society.

Yesterday, I bought Alli. I lasted 24 hours. I had to resolve myself to the fact that I'm just not as cool as Mike Jeffries, who is at least a decade older (and definitely not as good looking) as me, but that took all of about 30 seconds. I mean, dude (your favorite word, not mine), look in the mirror. Not cool at all. You're like that creepy grandpa that wants to hang out with the teenagers, and they let you, temporarily, only so they can laugh about it later.


And incidentally, at sixty +, I know the 'male problems' you are either experiencing or will be soon. You'll be begging for anal leakage. How cool is that, dude?

14 Comments
Rob Greene link
5/9/2013 10:03:33 pm

You neglected to mention all the clothing at A&F looks like it was found in a dumpster. Way cool.

Reply
KSG
5/9/2013 10:21:26 pm

I think the 'dude-like' way of explaining that is to call it recycled. Cool.

Reply
Wendie Leweck
5/9/2013 11:11:06 pm

Oh. My God. So spot on. And by the way... I love your body... and you... whatever shape or form.

Reply
KSG
5/9/2013 11:57:16 pm

I'm buying an Abercrombie and Fitch bikini then. In orange, just in case I have an accident. No, I'll buy Susie's $5 Deals before I buy A&F.

Reply
Erica Lucke Dean link
5/10/2013 05:08:49 pm

My size 6, perfectly suited for Abercrombie ad status, daughter has boycotted Abercrombie of her own accord strictly out of principle. She said, not only is there stuff crap, and she'd much rather shop at American Eagle, but the CEO is creepy and stalkery and if that's what it takes to be cool, she'll star shopping at WalMart. Didn't Dr. Seuss come up with a story something like this? Abercrombie is a bunch of "Stars upon thars" posers daydreaming of a world where they can be the cool kids just because they downed enough diet pills to squeeze into the overpriced less than stellar clothing designed for girls who resemble ten year old boys and shun puberty. No thanks. And I'll pass on the orange slime while I'm at it. Power to Kelly! Down with Abercrombie!

Reply
Erica Lucke Dean link
5/10/2013 05:11:42 pm

Crap...I used the wrong there in the above comment. I'm claiming insanity by virtue of the late hour. It's 3am, and I was so excited in my rant, I wasn't paying attention. Take pity on me please.

Reply
KSG
5/10/2013 11:41:41 pm

Forgiven.

KSG
5/10/2013 11:41:19 pm

Stars upon thars posers. I love that!

Reply
Becky Fyfe link
5/10/2013 07:50:48 pm

I spent decades classed as "morbidly obese." However, having been classed in the "healthy BMI" range for a years now, I still find the CEO of Abercrombie & Fitch's statements offensive. Even if I was the kind of person who through my money away on over-priced clothes (I'm not), I would not shop there. I have some very slim, attractive children (three of them are grown) who would never shop there after reading those statements. I thought people grew up once the high school years were behind them? Apparently not for this guy.

Reply
KSG
5/10/2013 11:43:09 pm

Becky, I'm writing something else, more serious on this subject and I would love for you to read it before I 'make it public' just to get your thoughts if you'd be willing. Can you email me?

Reply
jenifer
5/11/2013 12:22:57 am

I must admit that I didn't even know that Mike Jeffries made such obnoxious comments until I read your blog, Kelly. A man blessed with unimaginable success proudly spouting off soundbites reminiscent of cruel little girls? Yet another example of someone who should not say the things that come into his head OUT LOUD--they have meds for that problem!

I am lucky because I have always been thin and never had to worry about dieting. But, that doesn't mean that I don't feel and understand what my family and friends go through struggling with weight issues their whole lives.

My nieces (who are FAR from overweight, but "bigger" than their ultra-skinny classmates) are constantly coming home from grammar school talking about their "fat bellies," "fat cells," and "calories." One is 4 years old and the other is 8 years old--calories? Fat bellies? Really? I turn into a crazy woman when I hear them talk like this and I tell them to worry about being kids, not their weight. Not to say that they shouldn't ever watch their weight, but I encourage healthy eating habits and plenty of play time in the park instead of restricting their calorie intake and talking about "diets."

Kids nowadays are smarter than the kids I was surrounded by when I was in grammar school. I don't even think I knew what the hell a calorie was when I was 4, nor did anyone talk about "metabolism" "calories" and "fat cells" in grammar school until I was at least 11 or 12 years old. Did they call people "fat?" Of course they did, but just to be mean or piss someone off that day. No one obsessed over that word like kids do today.

As usual, you handled a sensitive subject with a perfect mix of personal experience and humor. Your blogs are always right on target and a great start to my day! (or night...lol) You always put a smile on my face....

BTW--Mike already has anal leakage from his MOUTH! Maybe we should go to one of his stores with a torch and get close to him-- he's so damn plastic that he'd melt away from the heat, like Joan Rivers.

Reply
KSG
5/11/2013 05:11:45 am

I was put on my first diet at 8 years old--I knew the word 'calories' very well by then. LOL.

Reply
Beth Ann Garland link
5/11/2013 03:55:09 am

Get him, Kelly! I absolutely love this, but stay off of the loose stool juice.

Reply
KSG
5/11/2013 05:13:11 am

How miserable to walk around with orange, anal leakage to lose a few pounds. Ewww. Maybe we should take this before we get on our next flight...

Reply



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