BLOG: 6's & 7'S
![]() Calling me at 7 at night is rarely a good idea. I work long hours, I deal with a lot of bull, and by 7, I'm in no mood to be harassed. Especially by a jealous wife. But, there she was, and I was in no mood to be a player in her baby daddy drama. Ring. Ring. I look at the number and don't recognize it. I do, however, recognize the area code, because I have friends in Vermont and that's their area code. Okay. "Hello?" "Who is this?" Not, hello, I'm inquiring, or hello, you don't know me but... Just who is this. I laugh. "Well, who did you call?" She cleared her throat and tried to sound not psycho. "This number was listed on my husband's cell phone bill and I didn't recognize it..." Oh, Oh, Oh. A woman going over her husband's cell phone calls wondering if there is anything funny going on. I had to smile. It must be my birthday. "Well," I said in the smokiest voice I could muster, "I get at least forty calls a day because of my work. You'll have to be a little more specific than that." This is not a lie, just an omission of a crucial detail. "Your job? Which is?" True, the best thing to do at this point was to hang up. But she was making it so easy... "I make visits." Again, this is not a lie. I just neglected to mention that I am a home nurse and my daily 'visits' are usually to elderly people requiring wound care or insulin injections. "What? What kind of visits?" She was trying to remain calm, but I could hear the veins in her temples pulsing against the phone. "It really depends on what they need. What did you say your husband's name is?" "John Smith (not his real name. You've got enough problems without me plastering your name all over the internet, 'John')." "Tall guy? Red hair? Thickkk....neck?" "No! He has dark hair and he doesn't have a thick anything! Are you a prostitute?" I could tell she was starting to lose it. And now she had asked me directly what my 'business' was. I couldn't lie. "The nature of business is confidential. It's between me and my clients." Not a lie. "Oh my God! I thought he was cheating on me, but a prostitute! I can't f*@$ing believe this!" I didn't know how much longer I could hold out, so time to stop before she hangs up and starts chopping John into tiny pieces. "I'm not a prostitute." "You said you were!" "No, you said I am. I'm a nurse. In Las Vegas. And I'm pretty sure you are in Vermont." "Huh? Las Vegas? What the hell?" "Our area codes are one digit off. I think you misdialed." Click. That was it. I wanted to call her back and tell her what a crazy psycho she was. I mean, come on, who does that? You think your husband is cheating, so you call some number and expect someone to say, "Oh, yeah, John, I'm doing him every Tuesday night. You're his wife? Oh, you want to watch?" No, any mistress worth her lingerie is going to lie to you anyway, and then alert John to the fact that you are on to him. So out of curiosity, when I got home, I pulled up my husband's cell phone bill from last month. I didn't recognize half the numbers. "Hmm. Not bad, Hero." Then I did what any self respecting woman would do in that situation. I went through his billfold while he was sleeping and hired an investigator to follow him. The difference between psycho wife and non-psycho wife? How you collect the evidence.
7 Comments
jenifer badamo
12/9/2012 01:59:32 pm
I must say that the woman was definitely a psycho for calling your phone, but I am also guilty of psychotic behavior; I think some men just bring it out in us. I have so-o-o many stories I can share, but I'll make it short and simple: One time, my boyfriend (now my ex) was in a bar in Long Island. He sounded suspicious on the phone so I drove out to Farmingdale, LI (about 40 minutes away) with bronchitis, in my pajamas, and in the pouring rain. I walked into the bar and saw him sitting with a woman--he was obviously trying to pick her up. I never, ever had a fight in my life but I was ready to rip off her head and shit down her neck. (he was next, of course) I walked up to her in my PJs, soaking wet, and told her, "Bitch! Get away from my boyfriend." OK, maybe not psycho, but the fact that it was a neighborhood bar and I didn't know a soul there to "back me up" made it kinda psycho. I could definitely see myself calling phone numbers on his phone back then too. Meanwhile, I was the idiot--once a cheat, always a cheat. I should've waited for him to come out of the bar that night so I could run his ass over and put us both out of our misery...lol
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KSG
12/9/2012 02:05:42 pm
I was a psycho once. Then decided that if the grass looks greener, by all means, jump that fence, buddy. More pasture for me to run in on this side. :)
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jenifer badamo
12/9/2012 06:27:19 pm
I agree 100%. I wish I would've had that attitude "back in the day."Would've saved me a lot of unnecessary stress. 12/10/2012 06:50:09 am
OMG. Too funny Kelly. I once hired a private dick to follow my...ummm...dick of a husband. And that's why we're not married anymore. The Suspicious Wives Handbook strictly warns against tipping off the cheater by making a phone call. Obviously this chick in Vermont didn't consult her copy before letting her fingers do the walking.
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KSG
12/10/2012 06:51:38 am
Right? She must be new at this.
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12/11/2012 05:17:06 am
Hysterical! Good thing you didn't take it too far. She might have tried to hunt you down and strangle you to death. It sounds as if her hubby is already up to something, or she wouldn't feel the need to start making calls. The PI is much less psycho, and far more level-headed.
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KSG
12/11/2012 07:46:09 am
You can only pull a psycho wife so far before you become her obsession. LOL.
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