Horr-Or-Scopes for February

About your horrorstrologist: The Great Kelldini earned her degree in Foresight from a correspondence school that she found in the back of a MAD magazine.  In thirty years of predicting futures, she has yet to get one right.

A Few Faithful Readers:

Jo Ann, a Pisces. Here she is with a few of her fish friends.

Cher, a Taurus. Strong like bull. Or is that a pug?

Justin, a Leo. Just like the Little Engine that Could, he keeps on trying.

Justin, a 'cusper' which basically means he has no clue whether he is a Leo or a Cancer.

Darren, a Libra. How nice, feel better now?

Ben, a Sagittarius. Trying to disguise yourself won't keep them away. Encyclopedias.

Aquarius
Remember that year that you kind of told the truth on your taxes? Yes, you know the one. Time to dig out those dummy receipts and hope they pass inspection. The moon of unexpected windfall is in the house of IRS, and you, Aquarius, aren't even going to get a kiss.

Pisces
Love is in the air! But, not for you, fishy. Buy a dog, or stick to the one night stands.

Aries
You are ready for a fight and you are not backing down this time. Before you stomp out the door, tell a friend to grab a video camera. After all, everyone knows an Aries can't win a fight, and who knows, maybe your beat down video will go viral.

Taurus
You thought you were overloaded with stress last month? In the words of the great philosophers Bachman Turner Overdrive, you ain't seen n-n-nothin' yet. The moon of Chaos is in the house of Taurus, so get ready. But remember, you got this, because as a Taurus, you are the baddest MF-er in the valley!

Gemini
Get your bail money ready now! February is a month to party and nothing says trouble like a party with the twins. This time, try to remember not to ask the arresting officer for a donut and don't request that he use the fuzzy handcuffs. But smile for your mug shot, because the good news is, only a three day stint this time.  

Cancer
With the moon in the house of vagrant, expect a guest this month. Sorry, not Grandma with cookies, more like that uncle that no-one talks about. It would be a good time to finally get that lock for the liquor cabinet and stock up on some stain remover for the couch.

Leo
Well, Leo, you have failed again. No problem, you'll soon be able to wallpaper your bathroom with participation ribbons. Take some comfort in the words of your friends; even if they are laughing at you on the inside.

Virgo
It's not just a rash. Get it checked out, Virgin.

Libra
Oh, Libra. Always trying to feel better about yourself. Reading your inspirational books, taking your exercise classes, chanting. Give it up. Accept that you just aren't as good as say, a Taurus. You were born too late. Deal with it.

Scorpio
Your little stinger (or stingerette) got you in a bit of trouble. Expect a not so pleasant visit from a certain Virgo. Then get out your little black book; you have a few calls to make.

Sagittarius
So you've had it with stupid people. The moon of WTF is rising, Sagittarius, and an army of half wits is headed for your door. Your only defense is to beat them in the head with an Encyclopedia. But first, you'll have to teach them to read. Good luck with that.

Capricorn
You think you're so cute with your curly horns. Get over yourself. Curls are so 1990's. And don't bother asking your significant other 'does this look good on me?' He/she/it is going to say yes. And it's a lie.  

A Taurus, of course.

Until next time, the Great Kelldini says:
SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP! It's only February, you've got a long way to go....