The Real Santa

Creepiest Santa ever

Yes, it's that time of year again, when parents all over encourage their young children to sit on an unknown fat man's lap and tell him all their desires. A little creepy, yes, but, it's somehow related to Christianity and the birth of Christ, so, it's okay. It's Christmas, and here comes Santa.

But with one on every corner, how do you know which one is the REAL Santa? I mean, as a parent, you don't want to encourage your child to sit on some mans lap if he isn't the real deal, right? As usual, I'm here to help:

1. If the beard is fake, he probably isn't the real Santa. Tell your kids to always pull the beard to make sure, or better yet, walk up and pull it yourself.

2. Santa has had the same nine reindeer since the beginning of time, and therefore, should have no problem naming them for you. Ask him. In fact, ask him to spell their names for you. That should be entertaining.

3. If Santa asks your child for his address, he's probably not the real deal. Santa knows where everyone lives, if he asks, you are probably about to get robbed.

4. Santa is fat. Isn't this the first thing parents should be looking for? Don't fall for 'Mrs. C has me on a diet.' She's fat, too, and no fat woman wants a husband travelling all over the world, looking fine in his red velvet, while she sits at home with the elves. Not going to happen.  

5. I'm yes and no on Santa wearing gloves. I think the real Santa would not wear gloves and I'd prefer his hands to be exposed anyway, as long as he sanitizes between children. I'm particularly weary of Santa just coming back from his bathroom break, though.  The jury is still out on gloves.

6. Santa has a twinkle in his eye. I don't know what that means, but if his eyes aren't twinkling, he probably isn't the real guy. Of course, that could mean he is sober, which is a good thing. Your call on the twinkle.

7. If your Santa smells like spiced rum instead of spice cake, walk away.

8. If he looks like Billy Bob Thornton, run like Hell.

And remember, underneath that red velvet rental, he really is just some random fat man that you don't know.  Be careful out there.

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