I'm a Very Good Bugger

I have a problem.

It's not that I don't think before I speak, it's just that sometimes, things pop out of my mouth unexpectedly. Okay, I don't always think before I speak, yes, I need an edit button, or at least a revise, at times. But this week, I've had a few classic foot-in-mouth moments that I have to share.

1. I went to see a patient, an elderly veteran, and my task was to perform a somewhat private procedure in an even more private place. I got there early and he was just getting out of the shower with the help of his very young Nursing Assistant, who didn't have a clear command of the English language. At least she didn't understand some of our more colorful expressions. While Mr. X sat in a chair, covered in nothing but a towel:

Cute Nursing Assistant: I'll wait for you.

Me: No, go ahead and finish, he needs to be dry for what I'm going to do.

CNA: Oh, that's easy! (She runs back to the bathroom and returns with a blow dryer)

Me (to patient): Looks like you are about to get blown.

Okay, so yes, the minute it left my mouth, I realized what I had said. But, my ornery patient and I were both laughing so hard, I couldn't retract. CNA had no idea why we were laughing and had to make it worse by saying "Yeah, Yeah! I blow!"

I think that's about the time I wet myself. All in a day's work.

2. Lucky for me, the very awesome guy who is trying to hire me has a sense of humor. We were talking on the phone and he said, "Call me tomorrow. Bug me if you have to."

My response: I'm a very good bugger.

Brief pause as we both realized what I had said and neither of us knew whether to laugh or just let it slide. Then he made a joke about Winston Churchill and the British Navy, and all was good.

3. At the car dealership, helping my son buy his first car, I was pretty excited about the life-sized cardboard Peyton Manning they had standing guard in the showroom. After we had signed all the papers, I asked our salesman, "Don't you have a bell or a gong or something to ring?" All the other dealerships we'd been to did.

Salesman: No, but we do have a life-sized cardboard Peyton Manning.

Me: Well, you should have him holding a bell or something.

Salesman: He's pretty tall. I don't know that everyone could reach it.

Me: I could ring Peyton's bell.

Of course, that is the only sentence of the conversation that the other ten salesmen in the dealership heard and although I was a customer, they couldn't help but laugh. My son was the only one not laughing.

Salesman: At least your son didn't catch that.

My son: Oh, I caught it. But I've lived with her for a long time. You just get used to it. 

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