• Home
  • About
  • Cass Adams Novels
  • They Call Me Crazy
    • Reviews
  • Call Me Daddy
  • Call Me Cass
  • Crazy Swaggers
  • Contact
  • Ragtown
  • BLOG: 6's and 7's
  • Staring Out the Window
  • Literature Project
  • Store
Kelly Stone Gamble

BLOG: 6's & 7'S

This One's For You, Abercrombie & Fitch

5/10/2013

14 Comments

 
PictureBetter looking than MJ
In my never dying quest to be worthy of Abercrombie and Fitch, I see that it is time to diet again. Apparently, my groovy coolness and ability to actually pay for the over-priced crap does not outweigh my recent birthday and my extra twenty (did I say 20? HA!) pounds.

And while I'm at it, I might as well go for golden. I mean, that's what makes a cool kid cool, right? I want to be the next face of Abercrombie and Fitch. Of course, it would have to be one of the ads where I'm being groped by some loser that can't afford a shirt and forgot how to pull his pants up, because the "Blondes Don't Pay Cover" and "Blame It On My Blue Eyes" campaigns are just too Aryan nation for me.

As someone who has been overweight since birth and has been on a diet since I was five years old, I'm pretty well versed in all the ways I'm supposed to act to insure me the next spot on an A&F ad. Can I do it? Probably not, because as anyone who has never suffered with chronic obesity will tell you, us fat women are a lazy bunch. But somewhere in between my working sixty hours a week, running three times a week, writing a book and managing a house, I'm going to get off my fat ass and put on my WWMJD (What Would Mike Jeffries Do) cheap rubber bracelet and try it again. My drug of choice this time around: Alli.

First, why would I need a drug, right? Just be more active and quit stuffing your face, that's the key. Well, somewhere between learning to walk and starting grade school, my body decided that I should do twice as much as everyone else, and eat half as much, just to maintain an overweight status. Pfft. I've already been doing that for almost fifty years.  Of course, birthing children that would fall into Jeffries category of an ideal customer didn't help much either, but that's a moot point since I've told them they will be disinherited if I catch them in an "A&F" shirt.

Again, why Alli? The side effects, silly! Who can resist anal leakage? Oily, orange colored stools, an inability to control bowel movements, gas with discharge and of course, rectal pain? It's all for beauty, right? So who cares if my ass hurts and I crap orange slime every time I fart? It's all for the betterment of society.

Yesterday, I bought Alli. I lasted 24 hours. I had to resolve myself to the fact that I'm just not as cool as Mike Jeffries, who is at least a decade older (and definitely not as good looking) as me, but that took all of about 30 seconds. I mean, dude (your favorite word, not mine), look in the mirror. Not cool at all. You're like that creepy grandpa that wants to hang out with the teenagers, and they let you, temporarily, only so they can laugh about it later.


And incidentally, at sixty +, I know the 'male problems' you are either experiencing or will be soon. You'll be begging for anal leakage. How cool is that, dude?

14 Comments
    Picture
    Now Available at:
    Amazon

    B&N.com 
    Kobo books
    Google Play
    

    Picture
    Picture

    Follow me on Twitter @KellySGamble

    Like me on Facebook at K Stone Gamble

    Visit my writing blog
    Staring Out the Window

    Author

    Kelly Stone Gamble

    Archives

    September 2019
    November 2018
    October 2018
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    April 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012

    Picture
    For reviews and great deals on books, check out Booktastik.com

    RSS Feed

    Categories

    All
    5k
    Abercrombie & Fitch
    Alamo
    Alien
    Angus Stocking
    Animal
    Art
    Artist
    Baby
    Bats
    Ben Ditmars
    Beth Garland
    Bigfoot
    Birth
    Books
    Cemetery
    Charlie Stella
    Chatty Cathy
    Chirstmas
    Christmas
    Churchill
    Circus
    College
    Darren Cormier
    Dean Harkness
    Depression
    Dillon Stone Tatum
    Dirty Dancing
    Dog
    Dog-friendly
    Election
    Elvis
    English
    Erica Lucke Dean
    Fantasy
    February
    Fiction
    Fly
    Friends
    Games
    Ghosts
    Gilligan
    Goats
    Grammar
    Halloween
    Hammertime
    Hanukkah
    Historical
    Holiday
    Honey Badger
    Hoover Dam
    Horoscope
    Hugo
    Human Body
    Humor
    Hunting
    Idabel
    Janis Joplin
    Jeff Goldblum
    Kansas
    Kelly Stone Gamble
    Kindle
    Labor
    Las Vegas
    Liberace
    Lodge
    Mcdonalds
    Mitt Romney
    Mountain View Grand
    Movies
    Moving
    Mud Wrestling
    Navy
    New Release
    Novel
    Nurse
    Obama
    Obesity
    Oklahoma
    Oprah
    Penis
    Peyton Manning
    Phd
    Phone
    Poetry
    President
    Ramone
    Rent
    Rocky Horror Picture Show
    Rudy
    Running
    Salt Creek Lodge
    San Antonio
    Santa
    Saturday Night Fever
    Shotgun
    Suicide
    Teenager
    The Birds
    They Call Me Crazy
    Tornado
    Toys
    Tulsa
    Twilight
    Veteran
    Walmart
    Weather
    Winter Solstice
    Woodhull
    Wrestling
    Writing
    YA

Home
About
Cass Adams Novels
Crazy Swaggers
Ragtown: A Novel
BLOG: 6's & 7's
Staring Out the Window
Contact

Content copyright 2012. kstonegamble.com. All rights reserved.
Photos used under Creative Commons from dane brian, frals, Base Camp Baker, Augapfel, apathy_girl, FBellon, halseike, ibm4381, Hello, I am Bruce, Darling Starlings, gags9999, loop_oh, LyndaSanchez, Jade♥