 Creepiest Santa ever Yes, it's that time of year again, when parents all over encourage their young children to sit on an unknown fat man's lap and tell him all their desires. A little creepy, yes, but, it's somehow related to Christianity and the birth of Christ, so, it's okay. It's Christmas, and here comes Santa.
But with one on every corner, how do you know which one is the REAL Santa? I mean, as a parent, you don't want to encourage your child to sit on some mans lap if he isn't the real deal, right? As usual, I'm here to help: 1. If the beard is fake, he probably isn't the real Santa. Tell your kids to always pull the beard to make sure, or better yet, walk up and pull it yourself. 2. Santa has had the same nine reindeer since the beginning of time, and therefore, should have no problem naming them for you. Ask him. In fact, ask him to spell their names for you. That should be entertaining. 3. If Santa asks your child for his address, he's probably not the real deal. Santa knows where everyone lives, if he asks, you are probably about to get robbed. 4. Santa is fat. Isn't this the first thing parents should be looking for? Don't fall for 'Mrs. C has me on a diet.' She's fat, too, and no fat woman wants a husband travelling all over the world, looking fine in his red velvet, while she sits at home with the elves. Not going to happen. 5. I'm yes and no on Santa wearing gloves. I think the real Santa would not wear gloves and I'd prefer his hands to be exposed anyway, as long as he sanitizes between children. I'm particularly weary of Santa just coming back from his bathroom break, though. The jury is still out on gloves. 6. Santa has a twinkle in his eye. I don't know what that means, but if his eyes aren't twinkling, he probably isn't the real guy. Of course, that could mean he is sober, which is a good thing. Your call on the twinkle. 7. If your Santa smells like spiced rum instead of spice cake, walk away. 8. If he looks like Billy Bob Thornton, run like Hell. And remember, underneath that red velvet rental, he really is just some random fat man that you don't know. Be careful out there.
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 The glasses I wear when reading Facebook posts In the past week, things have been way too serious on social media sites. Apparently, there was some big election that has everyone's panties in a wad, and that's obviously where some people keep their sense of humor. But amidst the ranting, I was trolling the comments making a list of some of the ridiculously overused sayings that make no sense and the responses I would have liked to have made (I was on my best behavior).
'I'm not getting older, I'm getting better.' Actually, no, you're getting older. Get over it. 'It takes one to know one.' Let's see, I know that I'm not one, but I've seen the pictures you post online, and I'm pretty sure you are one. And everyone knows it. 'The pot calling the kettle black.' I'd just like to thank the pot for not using any racial slurs. People could learn from the pot. We could call it Pot Etiquette. However, in Colorado that would take on an entirely new meaning. 'Boys never grow up, their toys just get bigger.' A boy came up with this one. Guaranteed. 'Toot your own horn.' Being able to toot your own horn is impressive. But, I'd kind of like to know how that discovery came about. One day, you and your friends were just sitting around with your horns out and someone said, "Hey, watch this!" 'Well color me Christmas.' What? What does that even mean? 'Tickled pink.' Being tickled until you turn pink is not a good thing. It is torture. If you tickle me pink, I will cut you. 'Bacon makes everything better.' Well, that one is true. 'Period.' This is of course following some profound (not) statement in sentence form that actually has a period at the end of it. Like the first period is not enough, you need to spell it out and add another period. 'Don't make me take my belt off.' Hmmm. 'Boys will be boys.' Does anyone else see this and start singing Lola? I thought so. 'I've got your number.' Lose it. Period. 'I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole.' As if you have a ten foot pole to be touching things with. Got any more?  The election is almost over and then we can put all this political ranting aside and get back to what's really important. Pictures of cats. What everyone had for dinner. The fact that Jay ran a marathon, Leann got a high score in Bejeweled, Vicki had a candle party and Alex had a birthday. You know, important things. And baby goats. The last time I saw baby goat pictures was eight months ago. Not knowing the life cycle of a goat, are they adults now? Maybe they have had babies of their own? Or possibly, new baby goats, whose pictures were not taken and shared, only because it was so much more important for us to focus on whose flag lapel pin was bigger. I know the political junkies are rolling their eyes right now, but here's the thing. Of course electing the President of the United States is important. Of course the issues are important. Of course the national debt, the unemployment rate, our foreign policy and our domestic problems are important. But, a candidate can tell me ONE TIME what they plan to do and how they plan to do it, and I get the picture. Beating me over the head with it isn't necessary. Telling me what a horrible human being your opponent is definitely isn't necessary. Send me a letter explaining your position, your plans, your vision. Thanks to public schools, I can read. And this is what I read this morning: SIX BILLION DOLLARS. SIX BILLION DOLLARS to elect the President of the United States. Think about that for a moment. How many apartments could we build for the poor and elderly with SIX BILLION DOLLARS? How many teachers could we train with SIX BILLION DOLLARS? How many children could we feed with SIX BILLION DOLLARS? Pick your favorite issue and imagine it with SIX BILLION DOLLARS. And the outside groups that donate to the candidates, well, can you say obnoxious? Spending by these groups, for and against the two main presidential candidates, has grown from $19 million per week in early September to $33 million per week in early October, to 70 MILLION during the week beginning October 21. How many jobs could have been created by the private sector with this money? Yeah, but my longing for cat pictures is crazy. It's not just the money. No. The worst thing that happens during a Presidential election is the division our country experiences. A year ago, we all agreed that Yolanda's baby goats were adorable. Today, we'd argue that they represent some evil plot to destroy life as we know it. A year ago, we were happy to see that Marie got a new house, today we argue that as taxpayers, it is our hard earned money that is funding that house. A year ago, we were sympathetic that Jim was hurt at work and had to go on disability, today, we want Jim to quit faking and get off his butt and go back to work. You see, it's us against them, and right now, they are winning. Not the Democrats or the Republicans, depending on which Koolaid you drink. The politicians, all of them. They like to see us divided, it makes us temporarily believe that it is okay to spend billions of dollars to give them a job, because it is in our best interest. They make us forget, temporarily, about how important the simple things are in our lives. But most of all, it divides us from the people we can really count on when the chips are down: each other. We lose. They win. On Tuesday we'll finally have this election. For a week after, we'll have the analyses and the masses of those threatening to move out of the country. Then we'll eat turkey, and put up Christmas decorations just like we always do. As a country, we won't be spending BILLIONS on an election, we can start spending those BILLIONS on fixing the problems. And sometime in mid-December, we'll start agreeing on things again. We'll cheer for the local basketball team together and we'll offer a hand to those we see in need. Sure, our country has problems, but it is our ability to agree on things, not disagree, that will get us moving in the right direction, regardless of who is in charge. And it starts with the innocent beauty of baby goats.  Regardless of your party affiliation, it is not only your right as an individual living in a democracy, it is also your responsibility as a citizen. As Aristotle said, democracy is not just coming to terms with the fact that others have the ability to rule over you, but also the realization that you have the responsibility of sharing in that rule. So if you haven't already, go vote! Then we can talk about goats... A HUGE thank you to Kelley McDowell for allowing me to share the baby goat pictures.  And since posting this, Moo and Angus have sent me a more recent picture of themselves, now eight months old, and still as cute as ever.
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