 I hear people talk about pacing while running. I assume that has something to do with speed, and not the kind that gives you a quick pick me up. So as I conclude my third week of my latest new hobby, running, I thought it would be a good time to think about speed and pace and to decide if I have either of these.
First of all, I'm not sure I should call it running. Running brings to mind a gazelle, leaping through tall grass, not a Tyrannosaurus Bearallina flat footing the concrete. Jogging, however, I think can be counted as any forward movement that involves jiggling, and there is a lot of that going on. So how fast do I jog? You know when you are dreaming, and your feet are churning like a hamster on a wheel, but you aren't really moving? Yeah, I'm slower than that. Have you ever tied your legs together at the ankles and tried to move? Yeah, I'm slower than that, too. Yes, Heinz ketchup flows from the bottle like an arterial bleed compared to my speed. I won't be able to outrun the zombies when they attack. But it isn't necessarily about speed. It's pace. Maintaining whatever speed is comfortable, and that, I have down pat. So, for those that are keeping track, my goal is to run a 5K by November. Since I'm barely to C, I'm not counting in K's yet, but in minutes. End of week three=13 minutes. Not bad for a dinosaur.
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 I have forced Al into watching a foreign film on Netflix....... He claims he can't read and watch at the same time......
Although I've only met 'Al' once, when I saw the above status update on his wife's Facebook page, I felt his pain. Oh, the dreaded "Honey, put down the book and watch a movie instead," is worse than "I know you say you don't like liver, but, if you just try it..." I imagined poor Al, cradling a good crime mystery, anxious to discover the next twist in the plot, plopping on the couch only to hear, "But it's a great chick flick. Trust me." Poor Al. Been there, buddy. I'm still waiting for the day when my husband says, "Why don't we just sit and read together tonight?" Yeah. Not going to happen. He's a movie guy, and I'm a book girl. But, in an effort to keep the peace, I've developed a sure fire way to read my book AND convince my husband that I'm enjoying his poorly dubbed karate flick at the same time. The most common paradigm in film is the three act structure: Setup, Conflict, Resolution. Use it to your advantage. All you need is six note cards with a few creative lines. The first card: THIS LOOKS GOOD or GOOD CHOICE, HONEY or something else that says, "Yes, you were right, I was wrong, the liver is delicious." Second card: WOW, SHE LOOKS REALLY DIFFERENT IN THIS MOVIE. Since actresses pride themselves on their ability to 'look different', this is a gift line. And your spouse will think you are paying attention. Third card: DAMN or HAHA or WOW. Your movie partner is vested by now. One random word doesn't distract them, but subconsciously makes them believe you are watching. This is your genre specific card, so be careful! You don't want to accidentally HAHA while watching Shindler's List. Dead giveaway. Fourth card: Movie spouse is deep into conflict now. Time to get a little revenge. This is your random speech card. "YOU KNOW, I READ SOMEWHERE THAT THIS DIRECTOR IS KNOWN FOR HIS USE OF LIGHTING AND SPACE, AND THAT SETTING PLAYS A BIG PART IN HIS WORK. IN FACT..." If you get this far, play it by ear. You won't though. What you will get is a "SHHH" from your partner. Golden. Fifth card: The bathroom card. More revenge. "PAUSE IT SO I CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM. I DON'T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING." Ha! Now they have to look at a frozen screen while your journey off, with your book, to take care of business. Final card: YOU WERE RIGHT, HONEY. I ENJOYED THAT. Try not to laugh when you say it. Place these cards in order, every ten to fifteen pages in your novel depending on your reading speed. This gives you a comment about every fifteen minutes, painlessly getting you through a typical hour and a half movie. When you get enough practice, you will be able to mimic your partner and laugh when they laugh, or jump when they jump, and never miss a sentence on the page. When the movie is over, put your cards away for next time, and grab a quick kiss before going back to your book. And don't forget to 'like' your spouse's next Facebook status: The movie was great! Even Al thought so! Yeah.  The last time I attempted to run, one of my sons asked, "What the hell do you call that?"
"That's rude," I replied. "I have physical abnormalities that make running very difficult." "What abnormalities?" "Boobs and feet." I guess the best way to describe it is to say I run like an injured Tyrannosaurus Rex. My elbows, tucked close to my side, while my itty bitty hands flap over my chest, fighting my gifted bosom down to avoid bruising my chin. One of my feet insists on hitting the ground flat like a bear, while the other likes to tiptoe, like a ballerina, making it appear that I am about to topple over, one side or the other, with each stride. A floundering Tyrannosaurus Bearlerina. That's me. However, in November of this year, I have challenged some of my runner friends to come to Vegas for a 5K run that involves a lot of paint and a lot of partying, and I have promised to run with them, if they decide to take the challenge. For me, I get to hang out with some friends. For them, they get to witness the T-Bear in action. So I started training today. Afterall, it's only 5K, what is that, like 10 blocks? No problem. I ran almost a block today, and figure I can now recover for the next three weeks before I add another block to my workout. It was difficult trying to ash my cigarette while my arms flopped around like headless chickens over my bosom, but I figured it out. The carb loading before my run was much more fun than the running part, and I'm sure I'll be in pain tomorrow. I may have to have a massage. Hmmm. Maybe this running thing isn't so bad after all. AND, it's for charity, right? And paint. And partying. So who's with me? November. Las Vegas. 5K (maybe that's more like 12 blocks?). Paint. Party. We'll make history. Or at least America's Funniest Home Videos. |
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