• Home
  • About
  • Cass Adams Novels
  • They Call Me Crazy
    • Reviews
  • Call Me Daddy
  • Crazy Swaggers
  • Contact
  • Ragtown
  • BLOG: 6's and 7's
  • Staring Out the Window
  • Literature Project
Kelly Stone Gamble

BLOG: 6's & 7'S

Welcome to Walmart

8/27/2012

18 Comments

 
Picture
I avoid Walmart like the clap. The attraction of buying cheap crap that I don't need wore off about the same time my pet rock died. But once a week, I have to make an appearance, because even I can't resist the 3 cents a can I save on dog food.

I often wonder if the clusterfuckory of checking out is even worth it. Fifty customers, their carts overloaded with enough junk to save the economy of  a small nation, vying for two checkout lanes. But lately I've discovered a reason to enjoy the experience: disgruntled employees.

A few weeks ago, Honey Badger was my checkout clerk.

I looked at my two dozen cans of dog food and asked, "Do you have to ring them all up separately?"

"Oh, yeah. Inventory, you know. For lack of a better word, they're Nazis."

I sorted my cans on the counter by flavor. "Well, I guess it wouldn't make sense to actually create a few inventory jobs."

"Oh, no. They'd much rather hire more of us out here to deal with all the customers and their attitudes. I can smile and be nice all day long and nobody cares. Let's face it, no one comes to Walmart for the customer service," she said as she flung my cans haphazardly toward a bag.

"I guess not."

I paid her and thanked her for being so entertaining.

She shrugged, rolled her eyes and said, "Whatever."

Honey Badger don't give a shit.


Last week, my check out clerk was Chatty Cathy. Not disgruntled, mind you, but annoying, just the same.

"Oh, Secret deodorant. A lot of people use this. Oh, dog food, you must have a dog. Oh, Twinkies! I used to eat these all the time!"

No shit, I have a dog, and do you sniff pits randomly to determine anti-perspirant choices? As for the Twinkies, by looking at your ass I'd say you still eat them all the time, fried and by the cartload. I am tempted to put a box of Magnum condoms, a tube of Anal Ease and an industrial size can of Crisco in my cart just to see what Chatty Cathy would say.

Tonight I got the Bitch-That-Can't-Be-Pleased. "It's raining outside," she said through gritted teeth.

"Really? That's awesome!" Did I mention we live in a desert? Getting even a drop of rain is like, well, getting rain in the desert.

"Well, it BETTER not be raining when I leave here at 11. If I get wet, I swear I'm going to lose it!" Trust me, Elmira, you aren't going to melt, and unless they are having a wet T-shirt contest in the parking lot, no-one is going to care if you lose it. Geez, buy a bra, for Christ's sake. Cathy over there can surely suggest one for you or at least tell you what everyone else is buying.

"And I've been here for TEN HOURS today!" I pulled out my compact and looked in the mirror. No, I did not have my fake 'I-give-a-shit' look on my face. Just my usual 'why-the-fuck-are-you-talking-to-me' look that everyone seems to ignore.  

I noticed a wedding ring on her finger and quietly said a prayer for her husband.


I walked outside to a raging thunderstorm. Instead of rushing to my car, I stopped, lifted my face to the sky and let out a deep sigh. Another week before I have to hear those three little words that make me smile and cringe at the same time.

Welcome to Walmart.

18 Comments
Christopher Chik link
8/26/2012 08:38:56 pm

If I was drinking milk, I'd have laughed hard enough for it to squirt out my nose.

I like how each checkout interaction was its own color.

Reply
KSG
8/26/2012 10:35:54 pm

It's a colorful place.

Reply
Candi Murphy
8/26/2012 11:02:15 pm

I live in this town where going to the Walmart is the only entertainment. Especially since the only movie theatre closed about five years ago.

Krista
8/26/2012 11:21:33 pm

I'm with you... 100%. Some days it's worth the trip, but I have to be feeling strong to face it. Last week I got my list together and drove into the Walmart parking lot. After driving around for a few minutes looking for a space, and seeing a sample of my fellow shoppers-to-be, I said to myself, "I just can't do this today." I drove a tenth of a mile to Target and spent the extra few bucks gladly.

Reply
KSG
8/26/2012 11:29:34 pm

I like to go in the middle of the night. Stranger characters but not as many.

Reply
Ryan Qualls
8/26/2012 11:46:25 pm

When I retire I want to work at Wal-Mart just so I can be a disgruntled employee working at the door. With a smile on my face and a song in my heart my motto will be "Welcome to Wal-Mart! Get your shit and get out!"

Reply
KSG
8/26/2012 11:52:47 pm

I would come every day just to annoy you. :)

Reply
Suzi shumaker link
8/27/2012 04:15:44 am

I actually had an old guy (greeter at Walmart) say to me, "Welcome to Walmart, get your crap and get out" I couldn't believe my ears - but it was too funny to complain!

Reply
Tony S
8/27/2012 02:40:12 am

I would rather take a beating than go to Wal Mart.

Reply
KSG
8/27/2012 03:48:47 am

That can be arranged.

Reply
jenifer badamo
8/27/2012 01:53:18 pm

You are so funny, Kelly!! This is a perfect description of Walmart--or Kmart, Target, Toy R Us, Marshalls, etc. These are all stores I would avoid like the plague if it was up to me, but my nieces LOVE them. You know why? They are the queens of "buying cheap crap," as you called it. The description of all the employees was hysterical and point on! I'm surprised you didn't mention the words that make my blood pressure rise when I'm on the check out line: "Can I have a price check or manager?" Holy shit!! I always seem to pick that friggin line!! Love ya...keep em coming!

Reply
KSG
8/27/2012 06:15:59 pm

Thanks, Jen. I like when they just say "Do you remember how much this was marked?" I always say, "Oh, I think it was a dollar."

Reply
D.C. link
8/27/2012 11:37:50 pm

I refuse to step foot in a Walmart so I had no clue they sold Anal Ease. And I've been walking to the sex shop and overpaying like an idiot. Oh well, at least they have interesting people to gawk at there, too.

;D

Reply
KSG
8/28/2012 12:18:30 am

I don't know if they sell anal ease or not, but I would assume they have a Walmart equivalent. Maybe Butt Balm?

Reply
Beth link
8/28/2012 01:28:13 am

Oh, Kelly. This is hilarious. It's my favorite post of yours so far! And "clusterfuckory" is such a great word and perfect for wally-world or Wallet-World, as my 13-year-old son calls it. Keep up the great work.

Reply
KSG
8/28/2012 02:21:01 am

Thanks, Beth. I will have to try to top this one, I guess.

Reply
Charlie Stella link
8/28/2012 09:44:24 pm

I look forward to the day when I'm a Walmart greeter ... always one to burn bridges with jobs I didn't like in the past (one benefit of being a criminal back in the day), I can stand in the Walmart door and say things like: "The fuck you lookin' at?" "Yeah, I'm fat, get over it." "You want a smile, drop a fifty in my hand you cheap fuck." "You're gonna report me? Better buy some tires on your way out." Seriously, what are they gonna do, fire me?

Reply
KSG
8/28/2012 11:11:25 pm

Oh, Charlie! That is funny! I can't wait, I will come to your Walmart everyday.

Reply



Leave a Reply.

    Picture
    Now Available at:
    Amazon

    B&N.com 
    Kobo books
    Google Play
    

    Picture

    Follow me on Twitter @KellySGamble

    Like me on Facebook at K Stone Gamble

    Visit my writing blog
    Staring Out the Window

    Author

    Kelly Stone Gamble

    Archives

    November 2018
    October 2018
    October 2016
    September 2016
    August 2016
    July 2016
    May 2016
    January 2016
    December 2015
    September 2015
    August 2015
    June 2015
    May 2015
    April 2015
    March 2015
    November 2014
    October 2014
    September 2014
    August 2014
    July 2014
    April 2014
    February 2014
    January 2014
    October 2013
    June 2013
    May 2013
    April 2013
    March 2013
    February 2013
    January 2013
    December 2012
    November 2012
    October 2012
    September 2012
    August 2012
    July 2012

    Picture
    For reviews and great deals on books, check out Booktastik.com

    RSS Feed

    Categories

    All
    5k
    Abercrombie & Fitch
    Alamo
    Alien
    Angus Stocking
    Animal
    Art
    Artist
    Baby
    Bats
    Ben Ditmars
    Beth Garland
    Bigfoot
    Birth
    Books
    Cemetery
    Charlie Stella
    Chatty Cathy
    Chirstmas
    Christmas
    Churchill
    Circus
    College
    Darren Cormier
    Dean Harkness
    Depression
    Dillon Stone Tatum
    Dirty Dancing
    Dog
    Dog-friendly
    Election
    Elvis
    English
    Erica Lucke Dean
    Fantasy
    February
    Fly
    Friends
    Games
    Ghosts
    Gilligan
    Goats
    Grammar
    Halloween
    Hammertime
    Hanukkah
    Historical
    Holiday
    Honey Badger
    Hoover Dam
    Horoscope
    Hugo
    Human Body
    Humor
    Hunting
    Idabel
    Janis Joplin
    Jeff Goldblum
    Kansas
    Kelly Stone Gamble
    Kindle
    Labor
    Las Vegas
    Liberace
    Lodge
    Mcdonalds
    Mitt Romney
    Mountain View Grand
    Movies
    Moving
    Mud Wrestling
    Navy
    Novel
    Nurse
    Obama
    Obesity
    Oklahoma
    Oprah
    Penis
    Peyton Manning
    Phd
    Phone
    Poetry
    President
    Ramone
    Rent
    Rocky Horror Picture Show
    Rudy
    Running
    Salt Creek Lodge
    San Antonio
    Santa
    Saturday Night Fever
    Shotgun
    Suicide
    Teenager
    The Birds
    They Call Me Crazy
    Toys
    Tulsa
    Twilight
    Veteran
    Walmart
    Weather
    Winter Solstice
    Woodhull
    Wrestling
    Writing
    YA

Home
About
Cass Adams Novels
Crazy Swaggers
Ragtown: A Novel
BLOG: 6's & 7's
Staring Out the Window
Contact

Content copyright 2012. kstonegamble.com. All rights reserved.
Photos used under Creative Commons from dane brian, frals, Base Camp Baker, Augapfel, apathy_girl, FBellon, halseike, ibm4381, Hello, I am Bruce, Darling Starlings, gags9999, loop_oh, LyndaSanchez, Jade♥