The Dreaded Desert Honey Badger

Driving home from work last night, something ran out in front of my car. I live in an area that has been over constructed, forcing a lot of animals to be displaced from their natural environment, so seeing a random coyote is not unusual. Rabbits and quail are common sights, and of course, a rattlesnake every once in a while. But this was none of the above. I'm sure it was a badger.

"Mom, badgers do not live in the desert," my son said.  

"Well, they are evil, and I don't want one hanging out in my neighborhood."

"Mom..."

So I Googled it. That's right, when in doubt, Google. Badgers do live in the mountains around the desert, however, the Googlexperts said "they are uncommon in Vegas, so don't expect to see one." Yeah, well, they don't know me. If a badger is to be seen, it will be on my watch. And to make matters worse, I read this about badgers:

Badgers eat anything that doesn't run faster than they do.

I guarantee I am slower than a badger.

This was all I could think about on my morning run. I picture myself jogging along and suddenly being attacked by a badger, being slashed by its little creepy claws and eaten alive or dragged back to its cave to be shared at the family picnic. I could have sworn I saw a line of little red eyes watching me from the side of the path, a recon team, watching my movements, laughing, probably, at how easy this catch was going to be.

Then I thought, what if it is a honey badger? Sure, they aren't supposed to be in the desert either, but, looking at the pictures, I'm now convinced it was a honey badger that ran out in front of me. It stopped briefly to sneer at me. Which is really bad. What kind of animal thinks it's so bad it can sneer at a moving vehicle? Honey Badger, of course. And according to my friends at Google, they have been known to dig up human corpses.  They wouldn't even have to dig me up, just run me down.

So now when I run, I will not only be on the lookout for rattlesnakes and coyote, but the dreaded Desert Honey Badger, which I am sure exists.

Rattlesnakes are kind of slow, coyotes are easy to scare, but Honey Badger don't care.

I don't stand a chance.   

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