BLOG: 6's & 7'S
It's bad enough I have to be on alert for the badger that I know is stalking me on my morning run, but now I have another problem.
Yes, those creepy little flying rodents apparently have found a home somewhere in my neighborhood, and last week, I ran in to a colony of them (I was looking down trying to avoid a badger attack) and they weren't too happy about it.
Remember Hitchcock's The Birds? Imagine it with bats, and me running through the neighborhood at 5 a.m. screaming at the top of my lungs while bats dove on me, surely intent on sucking the life force from me, or at least messing up my hair. Forget the school children. I set a new record for my 3 miles that morning. Go Me.
Of course, the intelligent thing to do when you know there is a colony of bats in the neighborhood is to avoid their nesting area at dawn. However, in my family, we have a saying: If you didn't take a picture, it didn't happen.
So I went back.
I thought about dressing as Batgirl to convince the bats that I was one of their own and hopefully they wouldn't attack. However, running in the boots proved to be too difficult and purple isn't really my color. Oh well, it's just one picture, and I knew to stay far enough away that I could outrun them if they noticed me, so what could happen?
The colony, I noticed, consisted of a few adults and mostly babies. Babies learning to fly, most of them not very good at it. Cute, in a freaky flying rodent kind of way. I got as close as I thought I could, grabbed my camera and aimed.
Flash or no flash at dawn?
Contrary to myth, bats are not afraid of light. However, a sudden flash of light for new babies learning to fly in the pre-dawn darkness is startling, and although the babies were already uncoordinated, the addition of a flash was more than a few could handle. I heard one squeal, just before he hit a tree. I assumed he was laughing.
Mother Bat did not find it funny at all.
They say bats don't attack humans. Well, I know they chase humans, I proved that last week. And if they don't attack humans, what exactly was Mother Bat's intentions as she flew straight toward me, her wings spread to a good twelve feet (estimating), her mouth open and her claws sprung? I don't think she was posing for a picture.
And then I heard 'the words' that told me it was time to break a new speed record. As a mother, I can translate those words from any language: French, Spanish, Bat.
"YOU MESS WITH MY KIDS YOU MESS WITH ME!"
I ran like, like, like....A bat out of Hell.
And made it home again with my eyeballs.
Bats 1. Kelly 1.
I was willing to call it a tie. Until this morning.
I grabbed a cup of coffee and went to sit on my back porch with my dog.
I looked up and my pine tree was covered. With bats.
They found me.
This war is on.
I have forced Al into watching a foreign film on Netflix....... He claims he can't read and watch at the same time......
Although I've only met 'Al' once, when I saw the above status update on his wife's Facebook page, I felt his pain. Oh, the dreaded "Honey, put down the book and watch a movie instead," is worse than "I know you say you don't like liver, but, if you just try it..." I imagined poor Al, cradling a good crime mystery, anxious to discover the next twist in the plot, plopping on the couch only to hear, "But it's a great chick flick. Trust me."
Poor Al. Been there, buddy.
I'm still waiting for the day when my husband says, "Why don't we just sit and read together tonight?" Yeah. Not going to happen. He's a movie guy, and I'm a book girl. But, in an effort to keep the peace, I've developed a sure fire way to read my book AND convince my husband that I'm enjoying his poorly dubbed karate flick at the same time.
The most common paradigm in film is the three act structure: Setup, Conflict, Resolution. Use it to your advantage. All you need is six note cards with a few creative lines.
The first card: THIS LOOKS GOOD or GOOD CHOICE, HONEY or something else that says, "Yes, you were right, I was wrong, the liver is delicious."
Second card: WOW, SHE LOOKS REALLY DIFFERENT IN THIS MOVIE. Since actresses pride themselves on their ability to 'look different', this is a gift line. And your spouse will think you are paying attention.
Third card: DAMN or HAHA or WOW. Your movie partner is vested by now. One random word doesn't distract them, but subconsciously makes them believe you are watching. This is your genre specific card, so be careful! You don't want to accidentally HAHA while watching Shindler's List. Dead giveaway.
Fourth card: Movie spouse is deep into conflict now. Time to get a little revenge. This is your random speech card. "YOU KNOW, I READ SOMEWHERE THAT THIS DIRECTOR IS KNOWN FOR HIS USE OF LIGHTING AND SPACE, AND THAT SETTING PLAYS A BIG PART IN HIS WORK. IN FACT..." If you get this far, play it by ear. You won't though. What you will get is a "SHHH" from your partner. Golden.
Fifth card: The bathroom card. More revenge. "PAUSE IT SO I CAN GO TO THE BATHROOM. I DON'T WANT TO MISS ANYTHING." Ha! Now they have to look at a frozen screen while your journey off, with your book, to take care of business.
Final card: YOU WERE RIGHT, HONEY. I ENJOYED THAT. Try not to laugh when you say it.
Place these cards in order, every ten to fifteen pages in your novel depending on your reading speed. This gives you a comment about every fifteen minutes, painlessly getting you through a typical hour and a half movie. When you get enough practice, you will be able to mimic your partner and laugh when they laugh, or jump when they jump, and never miss a sentence on the page.
When the movie is over, put your cards away for next time, and grab a quick kiss before going back to your book. And don't forget to 'like' your spouse's next Facebook status:
The movie was great! Even Al thought so!
The glasses I wear when reading Facebook posts
In the past week, things have been way too serious on social media sites. Apparently, there was some big election that has everyone's panties in a wad, and that's obviously where some people keep their sense of humor. But amidst the ranting, I was trolling the comments making a list of some of the ridiculously overused sayings that make no sense and the responses I would have liked to have made (I was on my best behavior).
'I'm not getting older, I'm getting better.' Actually, no, you're getting older. Get over it.
'It takes one to know one.' Let's see, I know that I'm not one, but I've seen the pictures you post online, and I'm pretty sure you are one. And everyone knows it.
'The pot calling the kettle black.' I'd just like to thank the pot for not using any racial slurs. People could learn from the pot. We could call it Pot Etiquette. However, in Colorado that would take on an entirely new meaning.
'Boys never grow up, their toys just get bigger.' A boy came up with this one. Guaranteed.
'Toot your own horn.' Being able to toot your own horn is impressive. But, I'd kind of like to know how that discovery came about. One day, you and your friends were just sitting around with your horns out and someone said, "Hey, watch this!"
'Well color me Christmas.' What? What does that even mean?
'Tickled pink.' Being tickled until you turn pink is not a good thing. It is torture. If you tickle me pink, I will cut you.
'Bacon makes everything better.' Well, that one is true.
'Period.' This is of course following some profound (not) statement in sentence form that actually has a period at the end of it. Like the first period is not enough, you need to spell it out and add another period.
'Don't make me take my belt off.' Hmmm.
'Boys will be boys.' Does anyone else see this and start singing Lola? I thought so.
'I've got your number.' Lose it. Period.
'I'm not touching that with a ten foot pole.' As if you have a ten foot pole to be touching things with.
Got any more?
Follow me on Twitter @KellySGamble
Like me on Facebook at K Stone Gamble
Visit my writing blog